Marketing Charts recently featured a report from Dr. Bob Deutsch (from the marketing firm Brain Sells) which addresses the topic of the female customer.

Setting aside the cringe-worthy “women cycle, men consummate” analogy used in the report, let’s look at Dr. Deutsch’s 7 Tips for Marketing to Women. If you had to rely on the analytical language used in the report, it’s likely that you’d run screaming from the room before getting through Number One.  Allow me to help – my translations are in red.

1. Pattern. Marketers should recognize that women have the ability to perceive more than the metric of a product attribute or an instance in time. They appreciate the underlying pattern (idea) that gives rise to the fleeting moment.

With four times as many connections between the left and right hemispheres of the brain, women are wired to detect grand, vast patterns.  That includes trying to decide where and how your brand fits into the pattern of her life.  Help her to figure that out, and you’re golden.

2. Authenticity. Beyond immediate appearance, marketers should realize that persona, biography (or history), and current contingency must all be factored into a brand, and that universal principles underlie particularities.

Okay, that one made my head hurt.  You have no idea which “angle of approach” a woman is using in deciding whether or not to do business with you, so the best thing you can do is be real.  Talk real.  Practice what you preach.

3. Quality, not just quantity (size). Marketers should understand that for women, bigger and more is not necessarily better. A steady build is often better than an impulsive response.

You can never predict your customer’s moment of need.  You also can’t tell your entire story in one piece of advertising.  Stop thinking that a series of “buy now!” transactional ads will keep drawing her in to your circle – start balancing your message with relational ads, as well.

4. Connectedness, not just individuals. Marketers should know that communality can reign over dominance. Women see people as all bound together.

Women “see” in patterns and look for connections – not just with people, but with incoming data to the brain.  Ask yourself if you’re part of her community, or if you’re just “selling” to her.  Be part of her life, not just part of her purchasing process – otherwise, you’ll gain no brand loyalty and will eventually lose her as a customer (sooner, rather than later).

5. Society, not just markets. Marketers should recognize that markets are numbers, but numbers are not people. Women are people and have personal feelings and social intentions.

See #4 above.

6. Quality of life, not just accumulation. Marketers should learn that women have material and spiritual needs made up of individual wants and musts, which are cast in the context of a social matrix.

Marketers need to understand that not only do women approach decision making differently from men, they also approach it differently from each other.  Learning the Four Neighborhoods of Women and how they communicate is a good start toward smart marketing.

7. Reasonableness, not extremism or absolutism. Marketers should see that all issues have grays, and exaggerations to one side or the other only cover-up the reality of subtlety and nuance to which women are attuned.

Women’s bullshit meters are in overdrive.  Stop with the hype.  Get on with being real and honest.  Everybody wins.

This report offers good insights.  It also offers a final lesson, one that was probably never intended: Don’t make the mistake of trying to communicate a message in a language that only a few people understand.  Getting stuck inside industry-speak isn’t going to be very effective in persuading readers (or customers) that you know what you’re talking about.